Head Meds

I went out on a limb and decided to let go of my head meds to prevent post partom depression. I figured two years into it, I should be in the clear. I have never had any shame of my occasional need for prescription medication and I still don't. I have been kept from many a cliff with the help of these scientific wonders and if I find myself even aimed in a cliff's direction, I will be right back on those little pills.

Like any junkie, I find myself wishing I could go to them. Not because I need them, but because I don't want to hurt like this. I don't want to feel life's sting anymore. When I am medicated, I can experience heart ache, hear bad news, be in the middle of crisis and not be over stirred.

This was exactly why I left my medicated head behind. I am not depressed anymore, I am not paranoid (mostly) anymore and I don't have any problem taking on the responsibilities of the day. I am just a normal 30 year old, stressed out and over committed mom. There are millions like me who aren't taking mood altering drugs, so why should I?

Hard times like these remind me of why I want to hurt like an unmedicated person...because bearing each other's burdens feels natural and right, no matter how badly it burns. Nevermind how it feels, if you truly long to be like Jesus, you have to imitate his ultimate burden bearing death and resurrection.

So hear I am...a river of tears with a leaky dam and I am okay with it. Okay with showing the world that I am down and okay with knowing I won't be down forever. Okay with knowing that this side of heaven I am just getting started with the suffering and I am hopeful. Not for good endings, but ultimately the promised new beginning.